Integration
Posted on Sunday, July 18, 2010 at 3:07 pmCategory: My Drivel, Strange Thingies
Nothing discussed on the various internet forums that cater to Anglophones living in France is more likely to excite comment from the British & Twisted (BATs – see here) than the matter of integration by British incomers into the wider French community.
I’m not entirely clear in my own mind why this should be such a contentious issue, but if someone is incautious enough to mention how much a part of the local community they are because the postman says “Bonjour” to them, BATs rise up – sometimes en masse, waving their arms, chins flecked with spittle, hissing bile through cracked, yellow, teeth to make sure that these people are Put Back in Their Place.
BATs perhaps do this either because their postman never said “Bonjour” to them, or because they cannot bear to see people more cheerful than they are.
Or because they are mental.
I couldn’t really say for sure.
If compliance is not immediate then personal insults are hurled, followed by attempts to belittle the Incautious by ridiculing their understanding of French language and culture, particularly where matters of crime & anti-social behaviour are concerned. Sometimes, if things aren’t going too well, sock-puppets are deployed to derail the discussion and to plunge it into farce, until people get bored and go off and watch Celebrity Snooker from the Crucible on the satellite telly. The BATs crawl back into the cracks they inhabit where they mutter and gibber quietly to themselves until the next Incautious rises up above the parapet.
This is unfortunate, because I have often wondered how one knows how one is integrated. Does it manifest itself as some kind of physical effect like a warm feeling in the tummy or is it like being visited by the Holy Spirit?
I’m assuming that I was integrated when I lived in Norfolk. After all, I was born there and lived there for the first 18 years of my life.
But after that?
Did I feel integrated when I went to university at Bristol?
Did I feel integrated when I lived in the Netherlands?
Did I feel integrated when I passed those delightfully textured years in Cricklewood, NW2?
Certainly I was happy in all these places, as I am here, but is that the same thing?
I have mused this point for a while and have discovered something that may be of considerable significance.
It’s all in the name.
Integration.
The mathematical technique, I mean.
Now, for those who are not of a mathematical bent, I should mention that integration is a clever little bit of a kind of maths that is part of a wider family known as “the calculus.” It finds application in all kinds of stuff controlled by microchips – cars, washing machines and so forth.
And it does look quite technical when written down:
In this little expression of my devising, becoming properly integrated with the French is determined by how the extent of exhibited Englishness (E – and I apologise to non-English readers, but it is not my fault that most French think anyone speaking English is English since they cannot differentiate between the accents that are obvious to Anglophones) is affected by infinitesimal change in Frenchiness (dF) extended over a period of n years.
EdF.
And of course, what is the document that one obtains when one arrives in France from which everything else follows?
The electricity bill.
Provided by Électricité de France.
EdF. The EdF bill.
Co-incidence?
I think not.
July 18th, 2010 15:41
I think that I must be integrated, our post lady not only says Bonjour et al, she even knows my name…
July 18th, 2010 18:02
I realised I had become integrated when my usually virulently Anglophobe (although to them anyone not French is English, even if they are obviously from Outer Mongolia) work colleagues offered me white wine, saussison and Tomme de Pays at 8:30am; a more pleasant epiphany than having to stump up cash!
July 18th, 2010 19:46
How about the BATs who pounce on those Brits who watch English TV, import Marmite or streaky bacon, and read English papers, for failing to integrate? Are they the same BATs who pounce on those who do integrate, or is that another chapter?
July 18th, 2010 20:07
Steve – Our postman is quite chatty when the mood takes him, and he does know who we are, so that when letters are addressed “Gites, Le Langon, France” we actually get them.
Gavin – you know you’re making headway when they try and stop making you eat things that would be declined by a dog on the basis that they are a “delicacy.”
Susie – same mob. We’re not taliking necessarily rational here.
July 18th, 2010 20:11
I’m afraid this integral doesn’t make sense. If “n” is the number of years, the differential in the integral should be the infinitesimal change in time, not Frenchiness. I think you should be integrating Adt, where A = absorption of Frenchiness per unit time.
July 18th, 2010 20:41
Imaginary Numbers make me disintegrate. Who needs to know the square root of minus one, ask i?
July 18th, 2010 21:42
GB – True. But that wouldn’t spell “EdF” then. I think the EdF is really germane to this post.
How about we redefine dF as being the amount of Frenchiness being absorbed over a time dt with dF = Fc x dt, Fc being the Frenchiness constant (a ratio of the Frenchiness of J-P Satre divided by the Frenchiness of Bernard Manning, I think)?
Then we could integrate E (residual Englishness) with respect to t.
God. I almost convince myself.
CI – I always liked imaginary numbers because they implied the existence of imaginary answers, which I could provide by the shovel full.
July 18th, 2010 22:43
I’ve never worried about whether I am integrated or not….all depends on whose jaundiced opinion is being consulted.
I am always intrigued by overhearing those in France for all of three years telling the newbies how to ‘integrate’, though…it generally means signing up with one or other of the expat ‘helping hand’ ladies….Their hand in your pocket….
July 19th, 2010 09:04
Never asked myself whether I was intergrated until the whole voting/election thing came up and then I realised I could never truly be integrated until I can vote. French hubby, French friends and 14 years of being here mean I’m totally Frenglish but still watch English TV, read English books and crave Branston pickle, cooked breakfasts and more… What would the BATs make of that then?!
I started avoiding those forums just as quickly as I found them. I don’t think it’s specific to the expats in France, I have found forums as a breeding ground for mean, inconsiderate people who hide behind their words. Its a shame as they can be such as great tool
ps. Am not commenting on the mathematical side of things as am absolutely useless!
July 19th, 2010 14:02
Nearly 50 yrs ago I took A Level Maths and after failing the exam swore never to get involved with Integration or Differentiation again. My life has been fine without it but we do seem to integrate with our neighbours who have the same outlook as us. This has has been true in the various parts of the UK and here in France.
Having no relatives in France, especially in the village or close, does mean that we have to look to others in a similar position. Often this means other ex-pats. By which I mean British, Dutch, Belgians and couples from Paris.
July 19th, 2010 19:53
I don’t think I’ll ever feel properly integrated until we go to a delightful festive gathering, speaking our very best french chitchat, and are Not immediately enveloped by every French person present Helping Us Out with their very best english chitchat…
July 19th, 2010 19:56
Not to go off on a tangent or anything, but maybe the French can’t differentiate accents because that’s where they reach their limit.
July 21st, 2010 00:12
Dolores – I bet you and George do the same as us!
We eat fine food in each other’s homes, discuss life, and finish off our evenings by playing cards for money.
Sorted!
And you learn all the swearwords, and get really integrated…
July 21st, 2010 08:02
Fly – The struggle for supremacy between the “ladies” to the North is quietened by the summer heat. I expect it to restart in earnest in September.
Piglet – Ah, well, I think they’d have a difficult time arguing with you. That wouldn’t stop them trying.
Lesley – Absoluetly. I’ll talk to anyone I like the look of, no matter where they come from.
DD – I suspect they’ve decided that you are “one of them” and are just taking the opportunity to hone their skills. They sound rather fun.
CI – I know the words, but never use them because I’d feel a little odd. I do, however, sprinkle my French with level 2 & 3 English swearwords.