“WARNING: Inappropriate use of this toilet seat can result in low-grade burns!”

Life around here is seldom dull. Today we journeyed to La Rochelle to source some specialised DIY supplies and to visit a friend in hospital. In between doing these two things we went out to lunch at a new restaurant (new to us, anyway) called “Rouge Tendance.”

My Dear Wife was under the impression that the place was a Chinese restaurant, and I must say I can see why she thought that: the restaurant was housed on the ground floor of a modern office block and all the signage was in red neon, which did give the place an oddly contemporary oriental feel.

But it was the use of the word “wok” that seemed to be the clincher, at least until one read the rest of the sign describing how the restaurant served “Wok and World Cuisine.”

The thing is, while in major French cities one can lay one’s hand on cooking coming from, well, pretty much everywhere, out here in the sticks the choice is more… limited.

Just as England used to play matches against teams ambitiously billed as the Rest of the World so the Provincial French restaurateur divides the culinary univesre into French and The Rest.

True, they do give houseroom even in places like our small local town, Fontenay-le-Comte, to remnants from the glory days of French colonialism in the form of some pretty good restaurants from Indochina and the Maghreb, but these have never really entered the mainstream of French cooking in the same way that Indian and Chinese foods have influenced British chefs.

And the French are happy enough to accord some respect to Italian cooking, though this seems to be done on the faintly patronising basis that it is all rather overrated. On this point I would agree with them: Italian food (even in Italy) is overrated.

Hence the management of “Rouge Tendance” see nothing whatsoever in featuring a menu that includes cheek by jowl:

• Bison Burger
• Zebra Steak
• Satay
• Korma
• Chilli Con Carne
• Spaghetti Carbonara
• Chiken Tagine

But the thing that they wish to be known for, it seems, is their wok, which is rather fun. Basically, you go up and fill a bowl with raw vegetables of your choice, then you take it over to a very helpful young man wielding a ferociously hot wok who asks you which meat or fish you would like.

He throws this into the wok (which immediately catches fire, though I think this might be intentional) adds the veg, asks you for your choice of sauce (I can recommend the chilli) and whether you’d like that served with rice or noddles and tosses the piping hot mélange into a bowl for you.
And very good it is too.

However, the very best bit is not the food but the loos, which feature toilets imported at (I imagine) vast expense from Japan. They comprise a heated loo seat (hence the printed warning about burns, though Heaven knows that I cannot imagine what sort of “inappropriate” behaviour could occasion such injury), front and back washing, warm air drying of the nether regions and a mysterious setting labelled “oscillate.”

They also feature a total see-through glass door that by some means (black magic or something fiendishly clever from the Land of the Rising Sun, I suppose) is rendered completely opaque when the door latch is turned. I’m determined to find out how this works.

Frankly I could have spent all afternoon in there. I once went to a restaurant in Italy (reckoned to be one of the very best in Milan at the time, but I can only assume they bribed someone because the food and service were dire. Happily I was being entertained so I just anesthetised myself with good wine) where the loos seats disappeared backwards into where the cistern ought to have been when the flush was operated. There followed a lot of noisy sloshing about and then they reappeared a moment later still warm and steaming from their hot washing. But this was much better.

I therefore commend the restaurant “Rouge Tendance” at La Rochelle without hesitation.